an uncaged heart

Thursday, March 14, 2019

What He Didn't Say

The boy one. The protector. The video game player. The reader. The storyteller.

He has an imagination like one I've never seen. I've heard stories of things I don't think my brain could have even come up with. Stories with dragons, swords, haunted woods, knights, people I've never heard of, and dinosaurs he's defeated when he was just a mere three years old.

I often think I'd like to see how his brain works, how he thinks up these things, it must be such an interesting world to think up at just the age of ten. The tender age of ten.

A seemingly innocent age. An age of exaggeration because his concept of measurement really hasn't developed yet. He doesn't really know how long three hours is, he doesn't really know how much money it takes to buy something, how many miles it takes to get somewhere, and he doesn't really know how many chicken nuggets fill him up.

It is too often that I dismiss his stories or his measurements of something because I think "he doesn't really know."

But SHE heard him. She listened to his story and she heard what he wasn't saying. WHAT. HE. WAS. NOT. SAYING.

He told her that there were icicles hanging from the bed frames. There was no heat. And she heard him loud and clear. Something that seems so outrageous that I probably would have dismissed for another silly exaggeration, but she did not. She took him seriously and she was right, and he was not exaggerating.

Icicles mean it must be really cold in his new house. Something that can be fixed. Maybe it's not so bad.

But they looked and what they found wasn't just icicles. Icicles would have been easy - something that can be fixed, moved on from. What they found was much worse than that. Something that won't be easily recovered from - there was drug use in the home and there was physical abuse and there was neglect. My heart sinks as I see the words written across this page. Not just for the boy one, but for the girl ones and the kids that I don't know who have this in their homes, too.

How did we not know? How could we live with them and we didn't know that the time that they weren't with us they were so unsafe? That they were in danger, put in harm's way by the one who claims to love them most?

The boy one. The protector. He protected the one who claims to love him most when he was told not to tell.

So when he told someone he trusted that there were icicles, she listened, and she took him seriously, and she saved his life. And ours. We will forever be indebted to someone who heard what the boy one was not saying.

If you have children in your life - children, grandchildren, stepchildren, students, kids in your youth group, in your sunday school class, in your dance class, on your softball team, on your football team, on your ACE team, kids you DON'T EVEN KNOW, listen to them - don't just listen with your ears, listen with your heart. You could save them from something they don't even know they need saving from.

Thursday, November 29, 2018

The love of a child.

We've all heard it. We've probably even said it or had someone say it to us. "With great privilege comes great responsibility." You roll your eyes. Everyone knows that. A new position at work, coming into some money, a new pet...whatever it may be... well all know that those things come with responsibilities.

When it comes to being a parent, I'm not sure that there is greater privilege....I'm also not sure that there is greater responsibility. I know what you're thinking. How could you possibly know? You've never had kids. Well I am a daughter, I am a step-mother, and I am a teacher. It doesn't take a genius to figure these things out. With those things being said, I feel like somehow I've seen this from the outside, in and from the inside, out.

Everyone (well, mostly) loves babies. Here in the south babies are every woman's goal. We're raised from children to know that our future looks like getting married and having babies and sending out the perfect Christmas card every year. Posting all the perfect pictures on facebook so everyone can see just how happy we are. It's tradition, it's just the way it goes. What they don't tell you is about the hard times - about how much work it's going to be - how much responsibility - physically and emotionally - that comes with it.

They especially don't tell you about the emotional responsibility. No matter how much love falls automatically into place the day you lay your eyes on that sweet babe, the emotional responsibility is a different story. When you decide to become a parent you take on shaping another humans' emotions and life. That's where the great responsibility comes into play. Children are born dedicated to their parents. It doesn't matter what you do, how you do it, how much money you spend, they are dedicated to you. That's the privilege. Watching those little eyes looking up at you to be the sole provider of everything for them - you, in a sense, are their God. Seriously, what a privilege.

So know, that no matter how much you do or don't buy for them never really matters. Small children never care about that stuff. They need to know how much you love them. Not just in words, but in the actions you take. You could treat them badly, you could put yourself first, you could barely provide for them - BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU ARE STILL THEIR PERSON(PEOPLE). They will never hold it against you that you chose to get a new tattoo over buying them a jacket that they need, they will never hold it against you that you chose to spend money on drugs instead of keeping the lights on, they will never hold it against you that you stayed on the phone the whole time you were having dinner with them, they will never hold it against you that you left them. None of that matters, the title of mama or daddy gives you a get out of jail free card with your children. Every. Single. Time. They are so forgiving. To take advantage of a love that pure is the worst thing you could ever do. Pure love like that is only given by small children and Jesus. It is rare and it is pure gold. Do not let a gift like that pass you by. Soak it in, they deserve it.

Small children grow, and they start participating in school activities, ball games, music recitals, and guess who the first person they are going to look for in the audience is? You. When they see you there, they're going to do their best to make you so proud. But guess what happens if they don't see you? You're still going to be the first person they think of and they're still going to love you despite their hurt. Do not let a gift like that pass you by. Soak it in, they deserve it. Show up.

Those young children eventually grow into adults. That's when they really realize all the sacrifices you made for them as parents - the way you supported them, the games you showed up for, the terrible poems you oohed over, they way you told them that they looked nice for the school dance, the interest you took in them and even in their friends. That's when they'll truly realize the impact you made on their life. Don't let them look back and remember the empty chair you promised you be in.

So there it is - from someone who isn't a biological parent - there is someone who will worship the ground you walk on no matter what you do. A child will love you despite all your flaws. We all make mistakes. Learn from them, move forward, but always be there, be worthy of such love. It is such a privilege to be a parent, so don't lack on the side of responsibility.

Sunday, September 2, 2018

8 in 800

800. It's a ballpark figure of the number of students I have taught over my 8 year teaching career.

8. It's the number of students that I have taught that have passed away.

8. It's a single-digit number. A small number in terms of dollar bills in your wallet. A small percentage for a test score. A small percentage of the downloaded portion of your video game.

8. It's only 1% of the students I've taught.

8. It's far too many students to have lost to accidental death or suicide.

This does not include the number of students who have been hospitalized for failed suicide attempts or not wearing their seatbelts.

I lost another one yesterday. He left it to the weight and power of a fast train to take his life for him.

Did you know that depression isn't a choice? It's not something that someone wants to have. It's a chemical imbalance and can be triggered by life events.

I suffer from depression. I have a family history of it. I had parents who were divorced when I was young. It wasn't always easy but I had really great parents and really great step parents. All of them knew how to be adults and keep the harshness of the adult world of divorce away from me. I had some anxiety as a child about sleeping in my own bed, but that was normal. It wasn't until my person, my grandfather, passed away when I was in high school that I really felt what depression felt like. It feels weird and unknown and it feels sad and hopeless. But I was lucky, I got help. I sought counseling and medication and was able to handle it.

Some kids aren't so lucky.

Some kids have parents who don't understand depression. Who wouldn't want their babies to be stuck with that stigma. "What would their friends think!?"

Some kids have parents who cause their depression. Parents who put the burden of their emotions on their kids. Some parents lead the type of lives that create chaos for their children. And those children are set up for failure.

Some parents are doing their best and they just dont know.

There are more scenarios than anyone could possibly name.

Did you know that social services rarely takes a child out of the home until after the child has been hurt or abused?

Did you know that our guidance counselors in our schools are trained to help students with emotional problems, but are often used as testing and scheduling coordinators?

Our guidance counselors do the best they can, or at least all the ones I've ever worked with do. They're amazing but too much is put on their plate.

As teachers, as counselors, as principles, as lunch ladies, as whatever you are ... YOU CAN HELP. AND YOU SHOULD.

We are always scared to report something that may or may not be true. Let that be for someone more important than you to decide.

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING.

Do not let the future of this nation die because they thought death would be easier than life.

Ask your students how they're feeling. Ask YOUR CHILDREN how they're feeling. Ask them, and if they don't want to talk about it, don't give up. Either keep pressing or find someone else they would talk to.

Don't let your pride or your fear keep a what if scenario in the wings. These kids need you. HELP THEM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

And if you can't do anything else, you love the hell out of them in the meantime until you can find someone who can help them and make a difference.

One of my favorite quotes:
Kids who deserve love the least need it the most. And they will ask for it in the most unloving of ways.

LOVE THEM MOST.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

The Day - July 7, 2018

My wedding! It's finally here! I couldn't believe it. The day I had been waiting my whole life for. To marry the man of my dreams, my best friend. Seriously, 31 years of waiting.

I had gone the day before to Love is in the Air's shop to see my flowers. My reaction wasn't quite what I thought it would be. There they sat in a refrigerator. Just a refrigerator, I could feel it coming, I started sobbing. (Over flowers? Yep.) All my favorite flowers in all my favorite colors in a bouquet just for me, for me to carry down the aisle. Not only that - there were two boutonnieres for my soon-to-be-husband and my soon-to-be-stepson. Then....then there were two little bouquets with matching flower crowns for my soon-to-be-stepdaughters. OHHH THE TEARS... It was perfect. So perfect. I got myself together. Then I saw the cake. It was a plain cake with regular white icing.... I could feel it coming back, the tears - it was for me and my husband on our day. OHHH it was perfect, it couldn't be more perfect. Then I saw three little matching cakes... ok, you're killing me here... I cried and cried. I'm crying now just thinking about it. Every little detail thought out and perfected. It may not seem like a big deal to most people, but it is to me. See, I am a maker - a maker of things for people - I love watching the expressions on people's face when they see the thought that went into it and how they "just can't believe how perfect it is"...that's usually me. This time, I wasn't the giver, I was the getter. The getting of something that had been made just for ME - each piece thought through carefully of something that I would want and be in love with the second I saw it. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love for all that went into making this day the perfect one. My wedding has been planned by people who love me and know me for a lot longer than I've actually been engaged, you see. By people who know how much I love love. Thank you Mama, Mary, & Linda from the very bottom of my heart. (And Kenneth even kicked in, too<3)

I could go on and on about how thankful I am, but there really just aren't enough words. I am thankful for those who celebrated with us, who made this day happen, who helped with everything, who coordinated the Judge and the photographer (Dad & Susan).

Special thanks to:
Love is in the Air - Cake, Flowers, Decor, Magic
Chantay - Make up
Judge White - Offficiating
Cindy Watson - Photography

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The Morning Of

I had my alarm set, but I woke up to someone who was just as excited as I was.

My mom came over to do my hair and the girls' hair. Mary also helped!

Make-up done by Chantay at In Your Face Make Up Art. (She did a great job and comes HIGHLY recommended!) https://www.inyourfacemakeupart.com/

(PSA: After having your make up done, then taking it off... you'll look like yoda in all your selfies)

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The Decor

The cake, flowers, and decor all by Love is in the Air

https://www.loveisintheairevents.com/

There was not one detail unaccounted for. Everything was absolutely perfect. More perfect than I could have even imagined or dreamed up.

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Something Old, Something New...

My grandmother (my dad's mom) used to always keep a tissue tucked in her watch. This is her watch, and the tissue came in handy... I also wore the wedding bands of both sets of grandparents and my parents on my right hand.

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Getting Ready

My mother, my back bone, my friend.

Three generations of strong-willed beauty and love.

After a mother, a girl needs a best friend the most.

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The Wedding Party

Noah Lee Mahaffey

Lover of Fortnight, Youtube, and chicken nuggets. He keeps his heart inside his sleeve so you can't see it, but it's there and he accidentally lets it show sometimes. He hugs you and holds your hand, but only when you least expect it. He's the smartest in his class and dreams of being a famous youtuber or video game maker. He never goes anywhere without his camo hat and his sunglasses.

Autumn Rain Mahaffey

Lover of shopkins, roblox, and strawberries with whipped cream. Seriously the sweetest girl on the planet. She wears her heart on her sleeve, though she is quiet, she is mighty. She loves hugs and kisses and snuggling. She loves puppies and kittens and anything that looks cute. She likes pink and curling her hair and getting dirty and playing with the boys. She's a friend to all and a lover of everything. She wants to be a horse-rider when she grows up.

Kaleigh Faith Mahaffey

Lover of babies, people, and ice cream. All the personality of a sassy 25 year old woman in one tiny punch. She has the gift of making people laugh and telling them what to do. She loves other people's babies, anything that will pretend like they're her baby, and baby dolls. She wears her heart on both sleeves and loves everyone and everything, but if she doesn't she'll be the first to let you know. She wants to be a doctor or a teacher when she grows up.

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The Ceremony

The girls waiting on their cue...

When a girl just loves her daddy...

One of my favorite pictures. I love her so.

In the movie Steel Magnolias one of my favorite lines is "My favorite emotion is laughter through the tears." After the emotion, we discovered we were too fat to fit down the hall together side by side. 😂😂