What Love Looks Like

I'm getting married tomorrow.  TOMORROW.  I can't believe it's really here.  The one day every little girl dreams about and plans her whole life for.  It's here.  It's exactly how I planned it.  Just kidding, it's nothing like I planned it, but it's perfect.  Every part is perfect.

I was going to marry my high school sweetheart.  I was going to have a big wedding with tons of people, a beautiful dress, a photographer, all the hydrangeas, my parents, his parents, all our grandparents, all my best friends as bridesmaids, his friends as groomsmen.  Then we'd honeymoon in some tropical place with unlimited drinks and sunshine.  After all that was over, we'd have a house, and a car, and a baby, and lots of dogs.  It would be perfect.

That was MY plan.  The plan I had for MYSELF.



See, I never had a high school sweetheart.  I never even had a college sweet heart.  I had a few possibilities and one that I date for a while.  I was never sure.  I spent a lot of time chasing after men thinking I would find one to MAKE ME HAPPY.  Any relationship that I got in at that time in my life would come in with a job.  The job of making me happy, because I wasn't able to do that for myself at that time.

At the end of college I found him.  I found the man that was going to make me happy.  There were butterflies, there were sleepless nights at the excitement that he had FINALLY come along.  Anything we did together seemed magical - watching tv, going to walmart, going out to eat.  It was everything a first love was supposed to be.  Except it wasn't.  See, he wasn't happy either - he needed me to make him happy.  You simply cannot pour from an empty cup, my friends.  I couldn't make him happy, and he broke my heart into a million pieces.

I was broken, permanently broken.  He didn't love me, and therefore I (thought I) wasn't loveable.

I dated but never felt like butterflies.  I tried to make it work.  The magic just wasn't there.  The advice of people that loved me was all over the place - you'll never feel the same way about someone you did about your first love... you will find that someone, you just haven't found him yet.  Neither version sounded hopeful.  I hadn't found someone who made me happy yet, and I was sure that I wouldn't.  I was broken.




I continued navigating through my life searching for a purpose.  I found meaning in teaching and loving those kids, but I still felt like something was missing.  I wasn't happy.  I worked at an ice cream stand and worked with a liberty student, Sydney.  She was always happy and cheerful - like super freaking happy.  It was annoying.  Yet, I wanted what she had, I wanted to be happy too.  I said, "What's your secret? Why are you so happy? How do you do that?"  She looked at me and she said, "I have Jesus."  I said, "Seriously, what are you on?" She replied with so much sincerity, "I have Jesus."

That same summer I went to a pool party with all my favorite people, and I sat on the side of the pool most of the time.

A few days later two friends took me to lunch and said, "I've never seen you so sad, what's wrong?" I said "I don't really know, nothing is really wrong, I didn't realize I seemed so down."  They said well we think maybe you should think about going back to church.  Church was something I hadn't considered.  I went to church as a kid and it was so traditional and "judgy" and I just wanted to love everyone.  I didn't agree with EVERYTHING "they" said the bible said.

She encouraged me to give it a try and if I didn't like it, then I didn't have to keep coming.  So I went.  I cried through every sermon for months.  I had no idea how much God loved me.  Like REALLY how much he loved me.  I was undeserving.  I had pushed him away for years.  He didn't care.  He loved me then and he loves me now and through everything I do.  He loved me enough to die for the things I will do 15, 20, 30 years from now.  I WAS LOVEABLE.  Do you hear me?  I WAS LOVEABLE.  I AM LOVEABLE. YOU ARE LOVEABLE. WE ARE LOVED.

We are loved with a love so pure and true that we couldn't even begin to image.



After a few years of going to church and bible study sessions and sincerely realizing my worth, I WAS HAPPY.  I was happy with whatever happened.  If I was supposed to be a single school marm for the rest of my life, I was okay with that.  If I was supposed to foster kids and take care of them, I was okay with that.  If I was supposed to marry someone and have children, I was okay with that.  My cup was full, and refilling as the days went on.

I tried dating again, went on some dates here or there.  Nothing too exciting.  It just was what it was.

Then out of the blue I got a facebook message from some guy I didn't know, but had the same last name as a friend I used to play tennis with in high school.  It said "Hey how are you doing?  I know you are ready for school to be out, are you ready for summer?"

What the what?  Why do you know I'm a teacher?

I made a phone call to my friend who is friend's with my old tennis partner, "Hey, um do you know anything about this Randy Mahaffey sending me a message on facebook?"   "Well, yes, I might know a little something about it."

I had been set up.

Crap.

What do I do?

So I figured, what the hell, give it a shot.  So I did, and we talked and talked and talked.  He would call (I hate talking on the phone) and we would talk for hours.  We loved all the same things.  He was funny.  Not as funny as me, but who is?

We scheduled a lunch date because he was off of work for Memorial Day and had his kids later on that evening.  Yep, his kids.  There were three.

-->Lord, I love children, but three?  Are you sure about this?

I drove up to Olive Garden.  I could see him standing up there in a fluorescent shirt waiting for me.  He was so handsome.  In true Jennifer style I greeted him with, "Hey, safety sam, nice shirt."  We laughed and went inside.  He was so nervous he didn't eat the tiny pizza he ordered.  I knew after that date that he was the one I would marry.  I knew he was the one for me.

-->Three kids, Lord, that was not part of MY plan for myself.

We went on dates and he opened all doors, called me ma'am, and laughed at his own jokes.  There were butterflies.  I couldn't wait to hear from him, and when my phone rang I hoped it was him.  We dated for a while before I met the kids.  We decided to go to the Uncle Billy's Day festival and I thought it was just adorable how he had his "dad bag" with all the things he needed for all 3 kids and was so excited for us to meet and spend the day together.  THEY. WERE. CRAZY.  They were running all over the place, except the little one, she clung right to me and never left my side all day.

--> Lord, are you sure you're sure about this?

I attended all 3 kids birthday parties that summer/fall and met his family, and they welcomed me with open arms, as if I had always been there.  They still do.

My family was the same, they welcomed him into our family and loved him and his children like they loved me.

I didn't just date Randy, I dated his children, too.  There was magic in watching tv, in going to walmart, and going out to eat.    Then the true magic happened.  I experienced Christmas with him and his kids.  Christmas with children is nothing but pure magic - the idea of Santa, and the toys, and the cookies, the reindeer food.  It changed my perspective on so many things.

I was in love with all of them: Randy, Noah, Autumn, and Kaleigh.  They were my people.

This doesn't go without saying there were hard times.  The kids had a mama bear that had the need to protect them from the unknown.  That was hard.  I wasn't ready for that.

Noah wasn't sure that he was okay to like me because he didn't want his mama to feel left out.  He reminded me several times that his mom didn't like me.

--> Lord, I don't think this is  what you meant.

I had to step back for a bit.  I had to take a break and make sure this was really what I wanted.  I was scared to death.  Am I setting myself up for a life of turmoil?  I had step parents, they loved me and showed me what it looked like to love kids that "weren't theirs".  I could do that.  But would they let me?





The Lord's purpose will always prevail.  And it did.  I knew that I couldn't live my life without Randy and the kids.  They were my people.  I was meant for them and they were meant for me.  My mom said, you better call and tell him how much you love him before it's too late.  And that's what I did.  I was almost too late.  But, here we are.

We have a beautiful house and we are by every means of the word a FAMILY.  We love each other and support each other.  We make each other laugh.  Everything is better than it's ever been.  Three years later there are still butterflies and magic in everything we do.

So tomorrow, I will marry my best friend and his children and I couldn't be happier.  I've never been this happy, not even as a kid at Christmas.  There is magic and butterflies every single day.  Don't get me wrong, if you leave your empty Gatorade bottle on the counter, you are going to hear about it.

The dream wedding you envision as a little girl is just that.  A wedding.  I don't care about the dream wedding anymore, I care about the dream marriage.  I love him so much that if we stood up there in sweat pants and said I Do, I would be just as happy.  But, I have SO many people who are genuinely so happy and excited for us that they would never let that happen, and for those people I am eternally grateful.

Tomorrow will be a day that the lord has made and we will rejoice and be glad in it.  And we will love each other happily ever after.